A Word from the Transylvania Tourist Board

by Darren Lomas

TRANSYLVANIA (Lomaswire): A report out today from the Transylvanian Tourist Board suggests that tales of blood-sucking vampires and other ghouls have been vastly exaggerated over the years. The world’s media has been all too eager to demonize one nation, paying more attention to gossip and rumor than to fact. The xenophobia shown towards these people throughout history has been unremitting, but never worse than over the past few centuries. Once and for all, it is time we re-evaluated our views, our prejudices, concerning Transylvania.

In this age of political correctness and equality, it is a wonder these out-dated, ignorant opinions have remained; it is amazing that they have not been questioned before. But the Transylvanians are quiet people; they do not like to make a fuss.

Per capita, there are fewer murders and, generally speaking, there is less crime on the streets of this small nation than almost anywhere else in the world. Far from being dark and dangerous in the evening, Transylvania has one of the most comprehensive streetlight systems in the modern world. As for tales of bloodthirsty killers laying in wait, these simply are not true; such myths have little grounding in reality. Most Transylvanians are in bed by 10pm and up for work by 6am, due to both the long working day and the short daylight hours. Honest, hardworking and reliable seem to be words that attach themselves easily to these people. So why the reputation? How did such terrible misconceptions become popular, worldwide prejudices? And is human black pudding really the national dish?

Count Dracula, a professor of sociology and anthropology, is a widely acclaimed social commentator in Transylvania. He has several ideas about the way that the world views his country. "On the whole we are pensive, unassuming and polite people. I would compare us to the Japanese. We are a very small, self-contained, dare I say, shy nation. Internationally speaking, I think we have been patronized and demonized. We feel bullied by larger, brasher nations, and it is only over the past few years that we have really started to appreciate our own heritage and culture. We are no longer ashamed; this is principally why the report was commissioned. The kind of view expressed towards us may often have been spoken in jest but to us it sounded like abuse. We are thoughtful people and, with time, we are becoming proud.

"Also, in more specific terms, we are a very pale-skinned nation. Our climate is cold; sunshine is a rarity here. As anyone of average intelligence will tell you, our pallor is not going to affect our eating habits. By that, I’m referring to the blood-sucking rumors. Complete fabrication, not a word of it resembles the truth in Transylvania today. One of my ancestors was, in fact, fond of drinking blood; I am not ashamed to tell you this. It was a religious thing. That was a different time, customs and habits were 'strange' all over the world, if judged by modern standards. Of course they were.

"Stylistically speaking, our nation is a safe-haven, proven to be safer than most other countries in the world. No blood-sucking murder has occurred here for a thousand years. And yet, it is talked of as though this was happening day-in, day-out. Absolute balderdash. If any country should feel shame, it is those who have perpetuated such unfounded nonsense. We have made Transylvania what it is today, a great nation, and for that we should be proud."

Another prominent Transylvanian, Doctor Sam Frankenstein, is aware of the way people have tended to look at his nation. He is adamant that the current vogue for neck piercing and other facial jewelry is merely a passing fad, a blip on the fashion radar rather than anything sinister. Recent reports worryingly linked such trends to the use of dead bodies and body parts in ‘experiments’. Dr. Frankenstein refutes such claims, stating categorically, "This is just crazy talk. So what if my wife has a bolt through her neck? It’s pretty much the same as wearing a necklace, don’t you think?"

Author bio:
Darren Lomas is a UCL Linguistics graduate, currently working in the British Library and about to being a journalism course; he has had poetry published in many small press journals. You can reach the author by email.

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